I have gone through a lot this year and it has changed my personality. I will detail what has happened over this year and how it is changing me back to the person I was before the trauma of life turned me into a stoic that suppresses all emotion.
Starting this year my health began to decline. I started experiencing tachycardia, dizziness, brain fog, and near blackouts when standing up. This can occur due to lack of sleep, high internal body temperature, anxiety, or exerting myself for 45 mins or more. The symptoms are more likely to be present from 1PM until 9PM daily.
This has reduced my ability to complete work, repair the house, clean, etc down to about 15% of my normal capacity. My house is is desperate need of repairs to the flooring and walls. I have had the flooring for the kitchen and dining room for a year. It still sits in boxes because after 45 minutes I am down for 4 hours or more.
Since being told from age 10-26 that I “Would never amount to anything” by my mother, My self worth has always been in what I can do. Having that large of a reduction in capacity was devastating. It caused consecutive days of the dangerous depression that at times necessitated taking a high dose of THC to stop after 8-9 hours.
While I was dealing with this and going to doctors to try and find the root cause and some sort of relief my reflux issues came to a head again. I was having trouble swallowing and scheduled an endoscopy. I have Barrett’s Esophagus and have had to have my esophagus fixed before.
The difference this time is that 3 days before the endoscopy, I stopped being able to process food and medication. I started thinking I had the same cancer that killed my father. With no medication and confronting the fact I might die.
That caused me to completely break down. I cried for 3 days straight and spent the time doing my own life review. I realized that I did have people that showed they valued me as a person. Not for what I could provide for them in some way. I also realized how I had let let these people down by letting our friendships fade for over a decade.
I had already started trying to be more social in April when the tachycardia started. I joined the Furries of Maryland in April. I also started reaching out to the the three people who had made me feel valued before I stopped being social in hopes of repairing and rebuilding the friendships I had with them.
I also went on a furry camping trip a week ago that further helped me relax and let go of a lot of the anxiety. I was able to recharge mentally and emotionally. I started feeling like life was something that could be enjoyed.
As of this week, I have been more open, communicative, happy, silly, and creative. I can say that I feel like I love myself for the first time in 39 years. The last time I remember feeling close to this was when I was 6. Before the bullying in school, childhood abuse, and being used more times than I care to count as an adult shaped me into the quiet, shy, stoic, that would occasionally explode when he would try to suppress more than he could.
The only thing I think that is missing to fully be my original self is to quit smoking. I need to do this to help reduce the reflux and vascular issues that are causing the tachycardia, dizziness, brain fog, and near blackouts. It also costs nearly $1k / month!
I started smoking at 18 as a slow way to kill myself. The depression started at age 17. I found that nicotine helped with anxiety, depression, and focus for ADHD. In trying to “appease” my depression thoughts, I discovered a crutch to help me cope with it.
I’ve found over the years that anti-anxiety medication and antidepressants either make me climb the walls or they make me completely apathetic. Apathetic to the point that I won’t care if a server is on fire at work, that the trash is overflowing onto the floor, that I should probably eat…so far the only things that help are nicotine and THC.
I started Medical THC during Covid when the stress, anxiety, and depression driven by month after month of 90+ hour weeks drove me to actually self harm. I started cutting which I had never done. That told me I was at the end of what my coping strategies could handle.
When I would try to quit in the past, the anxiety and depression would go through the roof and the focus was nearly non-existent. This would lead to several days of anxiety leading to depression along with being unable to focus well. No work would get done and I would eventually explode trying to suppress all of the emotions from the anxiety and depression. This would hurt the other people around me.
I really don’t like hurting other people. This is why I always try to be kind and accommodating when possible. It is one of the reasons I am shy and quiet when meeting new people. Same reason I won’t go nude around people unless I know they are okay with seeing me naked or I am in a place where public nudity is allowed like a resort.
When my maternal grandmother died of lung cancer, my mother quit smoking cold turkey. I was 10. All of her anxiety and rage was directed at me for the most part. She would get angry and throw things made of glass or ceramic. She would say quotes like the one above….she would push me into walls.
I know what her trauma was that caused her to be that way. Her father died at 46 from a blood clot in the leg traveling up and causing a heart attack or stroke. Her mother turned to alcohol. Her brother joined the Navy. She was 10 when her life went to hell.
She has since gotten help and healed from her trauma. I am thankful for that. I also don’t hold what she did against her. Knowing the circumstances that caused a person to behave in such a way, putting yourself in their shoes, helps you realize that you might end up that same way if you were in their place. It also helps you see how much they improved on what they were given.
Bottom line is that I don’t want to become like that to the people around me. I don’t like hurting other people. I prefer to bring joy, love and laughter to others whenever possible. I don’t even like breaking bad news to people for work related stuff.
I am contemplating trying again to quit smoking this weekend. My anxiety is very low right now. Depression has been brief and light more like sadness than actual depression. The dark thoughts are easier to push aside. I may only need to deal with the lack of focus. Since I am on Allegra-D right now for a sinus infection, the ADHD spike may not be that bad.
I guess the main difference between myself and my mother is that I am older and have processed a good deal of my trauma. I am at a point where I feel love for myself and everyone around me. We even had a family cuddle pile this week! I think it might be time to give it another try. I cant remember being this happy for this long.
If it all works out, I will be a bit sillier, more energetic, more outgoing, and maybe more fun to be around? Some people love my silliness, some roll their eyes, and others run for the hills. I think it will be an overall win if it works out.
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